I shunned God, he embraced me

I have always tried to be, adamantly, a non-religious person. Look at my profiles, it shows there.

Perhaps, I am not cut out for religion. I feel it somehow suffocates me. It restricts my personal choice. All those lists of dos and don'ts that would run into pages make me feel, I have little choice but to live them up.

Often, I have felt that people turn to religion because they fear too much of the unknown, of death, of the life after. There seems to be a selfish motive in being religious. It is for salvation. had there been no such concept, perhaps, it would be difficult to come by one holy man.

And seflisheness and religion are sure antagonistic. They are worlds apart. I feel the same about Death. It is scary. But we all know, there is no running away. I am not an atheist. Because often I have felt that wind of spiritualism in me. I feel there is goodness in everything. There is Go (o)d in all small and big things. There is a buddha everywhere. It is within me, yet i don't think I can handle it.

Sometimes, I just feel I am only pretending to be 'too good'. I feel I am acting-a hypocrat. There is no place for goodness in actuality. It has to fit in well with cricumstances, as it come by. Let me narrate a short incident, that was almost close to enlightenment.

One hot afternoon, feeling thirsty to death, I stopped by the fruit shop to have a gulp of apple shake. As I stood sipping the juice, that ran down my throat till the stomach, leaving a chill feeling, a little child beggar ran toward me, hung from my shoulder and started nagging. he begged and bowed. he would not speak, but gesture that he is hungry.

Turned off, I did not budge. I pulled up my arm from his frail grip and gave him a stern glance of ignominy. And I walked away. That is how they are treated here. Nobody cares about them. Just then, I had joined the 'nobody' band.

They are the chidlren of the lesser gods. They sleep under the flyover which they call a home. They look dirty, they wear rags. But children they are. Hungry and desolated, desperate and disowned.

Where is goodness? Where is God? Forget about god, where is humanity? Sometimes, as somebody rightly said, God is a sadist, holds true. As I walked home, I kept on contemplating why I did not bother to give the child a coin. That was all he had asked for.

Next time on my way to college, another child beggar came asking for a penny. That time, without a moment of thought, I gave him one. I can't be a Rhinocerous, following its herd in madness.

I smiled my way to the college. There he was, right within me. GOD!